How to get into BDSM when you’re a complete novice

I like to argue that we all have a “dark side” and we’re just taming it to be able to live in our civilized world. Freud claimed that being part of a civilized society would somehow protect us from personal chaos, and therefore we have created communal authorities, such as police, to protect people from other people’s impulses, and also our own. However, in order for all this to work out, Freud argues that we must subdue our pleasure-seeking instincts and impetuous desires, like Dr. Leon F Seltzer explains.

If Freud is correct about this, then that means that we have some sort of a primitive dark side that we’re suppressing so we can all live in harmony. Most people reading this can agree to some extent, as we all have some desires, sexual or not, that we wouldn’t necessarily like anyone to know about.

Fair enough, never mind what people think of such statements, but with couple of books and a movie Fifty Shades of Grey managed to bring BDSM into the open with millions of women openly talking about BDSM. Sales of BDSM equipment surged globally and suddenly every other working man was tying his lady down and spanking her after the Wednesday news. 

Fifty Shades of Grey didn’t create this urge among people, it simply created an atmosphere where it became more acceptable and easier to talk about. Which means, we all have a dark side somewhere in there that’s just waiting to be activated. However, that’s certainly not a bad thing. In fact, a research conducted several of years ago revealed that BDSM practitioners are “healthier and less neurotic” than those who practice more of a “gentle” sex life. The reason for that, according to the experts, is that because those who enjoy BDSM are in fact more extrovert, more open to new experiences, and at the same time less neurotic.

We here at Room Privée have therefore concluded that it’s unhealthy to supress your pleasure-seeking instincts, and it’s crucial for mental (and physical) well-being to activate the dark side. At least once in a while.

So, how to start? Here below we discuss some fundamentals you should keep in mind if you dare open the door into this world of no return.

First things first

What does BDSM stand for?
Everyone thinks they know it, but few get it 100% right. BDSM is an overlapping abbreviation of Bondage and Discipline (BD), Dominance and Submission (DS), Sadism and Masochism (SM). Since we’re discussing how to start with this practice, we won’t go into the advanced stuff and stick to the basics.

There are conditions
BDSM is many things and it’s different to different people who would describe the practice and the experience in different ways. However, if there’s anything that applies to all, then that’s trust. BDSM relationships can only be considered healthy if there’s clear and open communication, and if there’s trust between individuals.

That being said, we do recommend you signing a contract. It may sound weird or boring but in reality, the writing and signing of the contract are the fundamentals and a very exciting part of the game. In the contract you’ll be making your limits crystal clear. Furthermore, as the contract is being drafted, you will be openly talking about your fantasies, what you want to do, and what you want to experience. When the contract is finally signed, the level of desire for the game will have escalated significantly.

Additionally, it’s quite common (and recommended) that you pick a name specifically to be used in your S&M adventures. With this you’ll be able to separate the personal from the game itself. 

Discover your limits
Before you enter the world of BDSM, you should try to have an idea of how far you’re willing to go. The best way to start is with a beginner’s kit, such as this one which you can easily build your collection on. It allows you to experiment with your partner and discover where your limits lie; cuffed to bed, flogging, blindfolding… Above all, you should discover if this world you are about to enter feels truly passionate. Maybe you’ll discover that this is nothing for you and you simply want to back out. That’s ok. Or, more likely, you discover that this is something that has been missing from your life, and you’re willing to take it further.

Find your role in BDSM
Surely you already have an idea about what you like the most, i.e. if you like to dominate or be dominated. However, even if you have an idea of what you desire, you still don’t really know until you try. Some people are clearly submissive, other undoubtedly dominant, and many others are versatile and can enjoy playing both roles of the game. Please note, that being dominant does not make you sadistic, and being submissive does not make you a masochist. This is a common misconception of non-practitioners.

B D S M

Start with the bondage
Start with the B in BDSM. Bondage is, without a doubt, the most widespread part of BDSM and often practiced in “conventional” relationships. However, what we know about bondage is generally the tip of the iceberg. Basically, the whole idea is to immobilize your partner; prevent them from using their hands by grabbing tight around the wrists, tie them to the headboard of the bed, grab their hair so they won’t move, use handcuffs. You get the idea. It’s fairly basic stuff.

When starting, use soft material so that you don’t hurt your partner. Remember, bondage is to immobilize the partner, not to hurt them, so it’s important that everyone feels comfortable when starting with this. Try something like this wrists/ankle restraints where you can keep your partner comfortably restrained in different positions.  Later, as you progress, you can move on to more advanced bondage techniques.

Set the standard for your BDSM practice
Now, if we move to the D and S, i.e. discipline, dominance and submission it is necessary to establish a code of conduct. An excellent example is from Fifty Shades when Christian told Anastasia to stop biting her lip, or he would whip her. Put as many rules as you like, and create punishments that excite you the most; put restraints on them using handcuffs, restraints with a ball-gag, whip them and cause a little pain...

“Did you just leave the table without taking your plate with you? Ugh Emily, now I have to flog your cheeks red…”

Omg I wish all punishments were like this 😍

Learn to enjoy it
We end our short post on BDSM with the S and M, i.e. sadism and masochism. You should have realised it already, but BDSM involves obtaining pleasure through pain. For many it may sound strange at first, but as you give it a thought it can make sense. Don’t you enjoy a little biting? Don’t you just love having your hips grabbed and dirty words whispered in your ear? Or spanked during sex? Your hair pulled?

We all have submissive and dominant sides hiding inside, and we can all enjoy a little pain. Of course, we are very different when it comes to the intensity, and some of the most exciting parts of starting in BDSM is to explore your limits.

If you haven’t already, it’s about time that you activate your dark side! And if you have nothing to start with, then one of these beginner kits is the place to start.

Enjoy the pain!