Einstein would probably turn in his grave if he knew how I interpret his theory of relativity… In an overly simplified version; it’s a theory of physics giving the relationship between space, time, and energy, specifically for two things moving in DIFFERENT ways.
Although Einstein applied his theory to the cosmological and astrophysical realm, I’m definitely applying it to the sexual realm. Here it goes:
A person meets a female (individual with vagina). They kiss, turn each other on, and make out. The female orgasms in less than a minute. Great! The other person is super happy and celebrates this divinity of sex. The family should know, colleagues, even the primary school teacher. Everyone’s positive about this.
Now… how things move in DIFFERENT ways:
A person meets a male (individual with a penis). They kiss, turn each other on, and make out. The male orgasms in less than a minute. WTF?! “Seriously, you’re done?” The other person becomes super sad; “my partner is a premature ejaculator” … Hopefully no one will ever know about this embarrassing incident.
This is the theory of relativity applied to the sexological realm. It’s quite unfair, obviously, but premature ejaculation has two clear elements:
- It happens to 1 in 3 men at least once in their life and, since it’s not a disease, it has a solution and can be fixed.
- If your male partner ejaculates prematurely, possibly on more than one occasion, it’s certainly an indicator that you are super sexy! Right?
What causes premature ejaculation?
Many different factors can cause premature ejaculation (PE). Some sexologists have pointed at recent studies that indicate something they label as “mislearning”, i.e. an overly accelerated masturbation as a teenager with fear that the family would catch him red-handed.
If you’re suffering from PE, it would be advisable to do a little Googling in order to find out what’s the primal cause behind your problem. However, this brief article is not about the causes, but rather the cure and what to do if PE is affecting your sexual life and your relationship.
This is probably one of the most important factors; stress. Not stress from work or daily life, but in fact stress from ejaculating prematurely. I.e. it becomes psychological when you have experienced PE once or more, and you become obsessed and stressed with it happening again. Then, you are in fact more likely to experience it again, so it becomes sort of a vicious cycle. Therefore, whatever you do, don’t panic and don’t be stressed, as sex is a very complete experience and ejaculation is a very small part of it. It’s a journey, not a destination.
Ok, sounds amazing in theory, but I guess you want to know what do about it.
Sex depends on many things:
The atmosphere, your previous sexual experiences, the smells, the time that has passed since your last sexual intercourse, the general mood, and even the lingerie your partner wears. Any factor can affect your ejaculation timing. Take all possible factors into account and try different scenarios.
Think about something else during sex:
If we think of something that turns us on, it’s quite normal for ejaculation to arrive early. It’s normal here in Australia and New Zealand, and it’s normal in Kulusuk Greenland as well. Pretty much universally normal.
So, think of things that turn you off. This is quite an old wisdom and potentially you’ve already tried it, but there are certainly some guys that had never thought of it… Ok, here are some boring ideas (it’s supposed to be boring so it turns you off): Think of your shopping list, what you ate every day last week, imagine changing a flat tire on your car, how regular consumption of lentils can improve your life, what your physical education teacher from primary school is doing today, and whatever boring stuff comes to mind.
It is critical that you know your timing and you’re clear that it can change. As an example, you might have heard of the refractory period which I talked so much about in our article about the The Coolidge Effect. Basically, it’s the time that passes between ejaculation until you’re ready to go another round. It varies from person to person and knowing yours would be helpful. An old trick is to masturbate before you have sex, which in general should increase the time until you orgasm again.
Increase your stamina with training:
Since most guys masturbate regularly, they also know their penises quite well; i.e. how to touch themselves when masturbating, how to slow down and delay ejaculation, and how to speed up an ejaculate quickly. However, using your hand is far different than real life sex. Stamina trainers have become increasingly popular the past years where men are masturbating using trainers that give real-life sensations in order to prepare for a real vagina. I recommend this one here to start with your training, which is specifically designed to stimulate all of your penis the same way a vagina does, or this one if you prefer the backdoor.
The best way to use the trainer is with the “start-stop” technique. The whole purpose is that you control the ejaculation as much as you can. How? Right before you’re about to orgasm stop completely, pull your penis out and squeeze the head gently like you’re squeezing the blood out of the head. At the same time pull your testicles/sack lightly. This should stop the orgasm and ejaculation from taking place, and after waiting until this intense moment has passed, you slide your penis back in and continue the training.
In a research conducted by Department of Social Psychology the at the University of Seville in Spain in 2015, up to 80% subjects (the men being tested) reported major improvement in ejaculation times. The researchers concluded that if men are consistent with the training, i.e. 2-4 training sessions a week, and continue for about 6-8 weeks they would be able to see “considerable improvements in ejaculation delay and control”.
Do Kegel exercises:
Men get surprised when they hear this, but yes, Kegel exercises are also for men. They’re easy to perform; just squeeze and relax the pelvic muscle, i.e. the muscle you use when you ejaculate. If you’re unsure, imagine you’re pissing but then try to stop and hold the piss inside. The muscle you use for that is the one!
Doing Kegel exercises will not only delay your ejaculation, your orgasms become much more powerful, and you will probably notice that you can shoot your load with more power, i.e. longer distance, i.e. if that’s something you aspire.
Not sure how to start? Start with this:
Kegel session 1
Exercise A - Sets: 3
Quickly clench and release repeatedly for 10 seconds. Take a 10-second break between sets.
Exercise B - Sets: 10
Clench and release repeatedly for 5 seconds. Take a 5-second break between sets.
Exercise C - Sets: 3
Tighten and hold your PC muscle for 30 seconds. Take a 30 second break between sets.
Repeat daily for one week.
Kegel session 2
Exercise A - Sets: 10
Clench and hold your PC muscle for 5 seconds. Release and repeat.
Exercise B - Sets: 3
Quickly clench and release your PC muscle 10 times.
Exercise C - Sets: 3
Clench and release your PC muscle alternatively in long and short bursts for counts of 10.
Exercise D - Sets: 1
Tighten your PC muscle and hold for as long as you can. Aim for 2 minutes.
Do the session 2 Kegel for a week; however, feel free to progress if you feel you are strong enough. Remember that these are strengthening exercises, so start off slowly and build up, just like you would with any other muscle.
A good breathing technique is essential during sex, but unfortunately it usually gets left out of the equation. Try to focus on breathing like you’re performing an easy daily task, instead of breathing rapidly like you just finished 100 burpees. The idea as that you’re aware of your breathing and you try to control it.
And now … a new you! Start today and give yourself a goal of 3 months to get those embarrassing premature ejaculations under control. Follow what I’ve gone through here above and you’ll most certainly see major improvements.
At least, like Jordan said … “I can accept failure, but I can’t accept not trying”.