Sex is natural. Sex is healthy, it’s energetic, it’s can even feel like sport sometimes. It’s exciting, it’s revitalizing, refreshing, fun. Sex is communication on a physical and mental level. It can be slow, fast, romantic, rough, soft, dirty. Sex is many things, but above all, sex is love. If not for your partner, then at least for your yourself.

You can have sex in most places (hmm...), in the house at least, with one person, with two, or more, with the ones you like, and with whatever gender you choose. But, more importantly, you can have sex alone. This last point needs to be emphasised; it truly is possible, and it is absolutely amazing to simply have sex with yourself.

I guess most of the male readers have realized that this article is female focused. Those boys have been playing with that joystick since they first realised it was there. But for many women, masturbation still remains a world unknown. Although most women admit that they have at “some point” in their lives masturbated, there are staggering low number of women who masturbate regularly. According to National Survey of Sexual Health and Behaviour conducted by Indiana University Bloomington, which is the largest of its kind, almost 40% of women between 18 and 70 say they have not masturbated the past year. For us sexually-positive self-loving creatures that seems like an extremely high number of women who seldom (or never) please themselves. Even hard to believe! It could be due to many factors, such as super active sex life with a partner … although, I kind of doubt that’s the reason.

Nevertheless, a little over 5% of women between 18 and 70 masturbate 2-3 times a week, and only about 2% of women do it 4 times or more per week. I’m glad to see I’m not the only tremendously self-loving girl out there, although I find us to be quite few.

Research suggest that masturbation has multiple health benefits. As Alexandra Jamieson has pointed out:

• Masturbation floods our nervous system with endorphins, dopamine, and oxytocin (which is the bonding hormone) even when climax is not reached. With frequent masturbation we relax our brains and consequently our body, which can improve digestion, balance our hormones, and aid in weight management.
• Furthermore, when we masturbate regularly, we’ll feel better about our body, because our body is bringing itself pleasure. For us women, knowing our body is super important, how it works and what really turns us on makes it easier to ask for what we want when having sex with a partner. 

That’s sort of the key point: Masturbation helps us know us better which will result in better sex with a partner. So now, I want to give advice to the 40% who haven’t masturbated for the past year, and potentially others who just read the points above and have a great desire to become healthier through masturbation. Maybe you’re already an avid masturbator but you’re just not so happy with your practice. Just remember, you’re certainly not alone when it comes to that. Many of us are still trying to figure out how to pleasure ourselves on our own terms, and all of us need some advice from time to time. There’s certainly more than one way to stimulate yourself as we all like to be touched in different ways. Most of know what we don’t like, and the whole purpose is then to find what we do like.

Create the environment
When men tend to be quite visual and rely on porn for masturbation, women tend to play with sensations and often replay sexual encounters they have had, or even fantasise about sex with others (obviously I’m generalising). I sometimes get frustrated with how easily I can get thrown off course, so I’m quite specific with my environment. I like to get comfortable, have complete silence or soft music, light some candles, and even take a bath. I even like to be completely clean and feel sexy, even if I’m alone.

No pressure
Create a completely pressure-free time to play. Don’t rush it. Reserve a time specifically for this practice and show courage in understanding yourself, be patient, and remember that it can take few misses before you truly find a hit. Allow yourself to be completely uninterrupted, and don’t necessarily put pressure on yourself to reach an orgasm in the end. If it happens, fantastic! If not, you’re simply one step closer to understanding how.

Use a sex toy, or two, or three!
Seriously! Sex toys are, obviously, specifically designed for this purpose. I like to look at it from the point of feeding; some use forks and knives, some use chopsticks, and some eat with their hands. It all serves the same purpose and it all works. It’s just what you prefer. Vibrators have motors that create buzzing sensations that can feel tremendously amazing both externally as well as internally. And if you have a vibrator with a powerful motor, or if you apply much pressure, you can in fact stimulate deeper portions of your clitoris.

Sadly, there are still some stigmas surrounding the use of sex toys. Psychology Today went in details about this where many believe that having an orgasm with a sex toy will make it harder for you to reach an orgasm without one. This is absolute nonsense! In fact, it’s the other way around; it can help you get one the “natural” way.  

Clitoris Vs Vagina
There are two theories here; i.e. that there are two types of women: 1) those who can only achieve orgasm with the stimulation of the clitoris (the majority), and 2) those who can also achieve orgasm through vaginal penetration with the stimulation of the G-spot (I’m not going to discuss the pleasures of the rear here, as that’s going to make this post way to long). It can be amazing to use a rabbit-type vibrator that stimulates both at the same time, like this one for example.

I am one of the lucky ones and prefer to stimulate both at the same time, so once I’m all comfortable I grab my favourite wand for external stimulation, a powerful vibrator for internal. However, I recommend starting outside and working your way in. There’s a lot of hype around the G-spot and if you’re yet to find what your body truly wants, it’s not the best place to start. Start with the clitoris which has more than 8.000 nerve endings (that’s double of what a penis has) and is the only human organ specifically designed exclusively to pleasure.

The almond-shaped G-spot can be found about 5 cm into the opening of your vagina, but you’ll probably not even feel it until you’re super stimulated and the tissue starting to swell. Nonetheless, the stimulation of the clitoris normally creates an amazing sensation immediately, in contrast to G-spot stimulation which can take time.

Mix it up
Don’t forget the rest of your body! When having sex with a partner, they more often play with our nipples, the inside of our thighs etc. So why wouldn’t you do it when you’re solo playing? The nipples are so sensitive that if you play with them while masturbating, you’re likely to achieve far stronger stimulation. Use your free hand to stroke the areas of your body you enjoy the most and discover the ones that make you go crazy.

The pleasure talk
Don’t get confused with all the sex talk out there. Most of it tells us that sex is a penetration-focused act of a penis-in-vagina. The problem with that is that it generally does much more for the owner of that particular penis. Furthermore, some vagina owners think that something is wrong with them if the penis-in-vagina act doesn’t hit the spot. But hey, let me remind you that most of us need clitoral stimulation to orgasm.

The whole subject surrounding masturbation is still a taboo. I mean, it’s not like we’re encouraged to discuss it, and even if we have a close relationship with a parent or someone trusted, we don’t really ask them about tips and tricks for thrilling our pearl.

Just remember, there are no rules when it comes to masturbation. There’s nothing right or wrong. Be kind to yourself, take the practice of self-love to new heights and learn how enjoy your own company.

Lots of love to everyone out there!

Emily